


the unfead mind devors itself (Wilbur Soot/sbi fanfic)

by haIcyon



Category: mcyt
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Depression, Eating Disorders, Hurt No Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Other, Platonic Relationships, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Siblings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29174886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haIcyon/pseuds/haIcyon
Summary: Wilbur relapses into his Eating Disorder.IMPORTANT:- read tags for TW- everything written down is from personal experience- the quote in title is from "Gore Vidal"
Relationships: Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson
Comments: 9
Kudos: 97





	1. 1. It returns

When Wilbur woke up, all he could hear was static.  
A bitter black had eaten away the light that his eyes were supposed to reflect.  
He felt panic dwell up, trying to make out his surroundings by touching around the room he found himself in.  
His state of mind did not leave space for logical thinking, preventing everything from entering other than the words "survive".  
Wilbur pushed his hands over his ears in a desperate attempt to make it stop.  
But nothing changed.  
The sound wasnt coming from outside,  
but the inside.  
Not even his hands could shelter the loud ringing sound.  
The realisation slowly creeped into his mind, a shouting thought of regret.  
A few months before he had been made aware by a webside he had been on, that loss of hearing was one symptome of malnourishment in its end stages.  
Only a single thought burned in his mind,  
as comforting as it was terrifying; 

was this it?

When had it started?  
The middle child didnt remember.  
But he remembered he exact moment when the monster clung his arms around him again, inviting him into the so familiar cold with empty promises.

It was a thursday.  
His friends and him had been playing minecraft for quiet some time, when Tommy, his younger brother, brought up the idea of a face reveal call.  
Everyone agreed, and exitement burned in Wilburs fingertips as his friends one after one complimented each other. He found his friends were quiet handsome, Dream had freckles all over his face, yet looked like he expected. He knew Tommy and Techno - they lived under the same roof, and if Tommy shouted loud enough Wilbur could make out what he saying - and after some while, it was his turn.  
He waved into the camera, feeling slightly awkward.  
Everyone began talking about his appereance, giving comments about his looks, as one stood out to him and struck him in a way it shouldnt have.  
"I dont know what I expected, but Wilbur, why are you cheeks so fat?"  
It felt like a knife had been plucked out of his heart, as he starred at Tubbo's icon.  
He knew, it was an innocent question. Tubbo was young, 14, sharing an age with Tommy, and most likely not aware of the weight his words carried.  
"Uh, what?" his laughng felt awkward, and as the next took his turn, Wilbur silently deactivated his camera, his eyes starring off into the distance.  
Nearly instantly, a private message plopped up.

Tubbo_: Why did you turn off your camera?  
Tubbo_: I'm sorry Wilbur I didnt mean it that way..

A soft smile plastered over Wilburs face. The claws of the monster behind him softly lowered their weight onto his shoulder.

WilburSoot: Nono, Tubbo youre right  
Tubbo_: What do you mean?

"I'm gonna bounze, got some more homework to do" Wilbur announced "See you guys tomorrow maybe."

The notification sound made it known that he had left without giving the others time to respond - its how he always did it. He leaned back into his chair, whispering under his breath. "I thought I had gotten rid of you" The claws that had rested on his shoulder now held him tight, and if they were real, he wouldve been crushed by their weight.

This night, Wilbur went to bed without telling his brothers goodnight.

The morning greeted Wilbur with exitement running through his limbs as his mind did nothing but run.   
His shoulders felt soft when he decided to go downstairs and skip past his brothers who had been sat on the dining table.   
With ease he took a glass from the counter and filled it with cold water, trilled to feel the cold liquid sink down.  
Returning to his eating disorder felt like returning home.  
Tommy had been munching on some cornflakes.   
"Oi Wilbur, can u throw the meds over?"   
Wilbur turned to open the cabin, opening it and grabbing the small white thing, throwing it to Tommy.   
"Thanks big man." Techno looked at his brother in disgust as he swallowed the pill in one.  
"What?"   
"Youre weird for doing that"   
A chuckle from the living room hinted at their dad listening to their conversation.   
"Just because you cant swallow meds whole?"   
"Theyre fucking huge Tommy".  
Wilbur left the room, listening to the snickering of his brothers as his steps took him into his room again.   
A sudden burst of motivation had run through him, taking up all the space in his mind.  
3 hours later he first looked up from his work again. His brain suddenly felt musched, a sign that he had accidentally overworked himself.  
The so familiar notification sound made him put his school work aside. 

Tommyinnit: Among us? @Dream @Georgenotfound @Sapnap @Technoblade @Tubbo @Wilbur Soot @Niki Nihachu @Jschlatt @Minx

Dream: uhhhh later?

Sudden dread rolled through his stomach.   
What was he afraid of?


	2. In its hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Im just trying to keep this fic going ngl

Fear, utterly unbelievable fear crawled thriugh his skin. Frustration shattered his spin, and he drowned in a sea of seemingly unending pain.   
The food infront of him, his enemy  
his mind the battlefield.  
How would something so easy be so hard? Tears dwelled up in Wilburs eyes, as he knew he should, but _god_ he couldnt.  
The monster held him im his claws, dragged him into his bed and demanded he'd stare against the wall. He was defenseless, he would lose this war.   
Every human contact scared him as the monster took control again. The scariest thing about the monster wasnt what it did, but who he came with - Wilburs walls were thrown down by the fear of being too much, while he found himself crying over no one reaching out to him.  
A knock on the door made him move the point he had been starring at for the last couple hours move a bit.   
_"Wilbur?"_  
the voice felt so far.  
 _"Hello? Wilbur?"_  
he was so tired, and so cold.  
The door opened with a creak, and Tommy entered the room. 

"Oh, youre awake" A small humm escaped Wilburs mouth, as he made an efford to ait up, not failing to hold his head, which had been hammering against his skull for possibly hours now. "Whatcha want, Toms?" Tommy let himself fall on the bed next to his older brother, grinning at him. "Lets play Among us with the others"   
Wilburs stomach dropped. He had completly forgotten about that discord message. "I have homework to do" Tommy groaned, throwing his hands into the air. "Youve been laying here all day, what the fuck man" he sighed, then left the room, not without loudly closing the door behind him.


	3. An empty hole wished to be filled.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wilbur overeats, and shares his pain with techno.  
> Tw in taggs,  
> tw for numbers mentioned

The night had just set. Wilbur had watched the sun go down and the night shadow his room, tinting it in a dark blue breeze.  
He felt himself gwt up and walk down to the kitchen, searching for something to ease his mind, as his eyes locked onto the different kinds of bread the kitchen had to offer.  
He promised it would onky be one slice.  
But then it was two, then four and a bag of lies, crunching that went through his mind. The cupboard offered different kinds of cornflakes, and within second they were found empty too.   
The endless black hole in his mind demanded for more, when he felt like throwing up it wanted more, it never felt pleased. Wilbur stood next to himself, watched as he ate, and ate, and ate.  
He watched himself crawl on the kitchen floor, watched as he downed another cup of milk, another bread, another spoon of anything he could find.   
A lightswitch being turned on snapped him back into reality.   
Techno jawned as he entered the room, streaching in his pajamas. "Oh, Wilbur? Why didnt you turn on the light?" Wilbur shrugged, looking down at his hands that clunched around a bowl of oatmeal. "I just didnt feel like it I guess" Techno opened the cupboard, fishing a glass out of it and filling it with sink water. "Havent seen you around much, assumed it was your exam season." His brother eyed him up and down, eyes that felt like he was being split in two by them, burned by every centimeter he might see. "Yeah" he placed the bowl down, seating himself on the little table that served as their dining place. "English is a hard language" A giggle from Techno, as he seated himself next to his brother. "If you need help, you know where I am." Help. Wilbur needed help.  
His disorder was so incredibly unseeable. A mixture of overeating and eating nothing - he hadnt losf any weight since his relapse. Balancing inbetween losing two kilos, then gaining four. His mind took him by the hand as they spinned, slow dancing in the darkness of his concious, leading him with every step as they took turns to a music that never seemed to play. "Wilbur?" Techno's hand rested on his brothers arm, his arm that had gotten a lot more hairer, and alot weaker over the weeks. "I think" Wilbur looked up "I think I need help, but with something other than english." He locked eyes with the pink haired, who looked back with concern in his eyes. The words layed on Wilburs tounge, but they closed his mouth. The words were heavy, they burned and stiched his lips togheter while screaming to be let out. "But I" he let his head sink into one if his hands. "I cant say it" "What do you mean you cant say it?" "I cant." Techno looked at his own hands, fiddeling with his nails. "Is it something about our family?" Wilbur shook his head. "Is it mental troubles?" "yes" "Is hard to say?" "yes." Techno slowly reached around his brother, pulling him closer. Wilbur accepted the hug. "Does this help?" Tears dwelled up, threatening to spill. "mhm." 

For the next few days, non of them spoke about what had happend in the kitchen. Wilbur continued his spree of not eating for a few hours, his mind consumed by pride and selfhate, and then shutting down completly, to fill the void of emotion caused by the lack of energy. The endless circle of pain. The endless suffering.


	4. Feed your demons.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW FOR:  
> \- blood  
> \- passing out

It had started simply, the signs.  
Wilbur was convinced his disorder was hidden, so far hidden from everything and everyone. His bmi was 22.7, he was healthy. He carried his weight in his legs, sporting a bigger size than average, and no where was he the representative of eating disorders. He slipped under the raidar of everyone and everything, finding himself forgetting that he was suffering from time to time, convincing himself that he wasnt doing bad. No where near danger.  
His little twisted game of starving to overeating, a single player world and a demon by his side.   
He entered the shower without a care in the world, inspecting his body, and turning on the water. It dripped down his hair, flowed down his disgusting sides as it always did. The shampoo craweled through his hair, cleaning it in an attempt to feel a little bit less disgusting, when for a second, the world started to spin. Wilbur gripped a hold on the shower head above him, as he opened his eyes to witness the flowing of blood. It mixed itself with the clear water, appering orange as it slid down his stomach. As in a reflex, he held his nose, the culprit of the action. He poured and poured. His head feeling light, as the panic couldnt register. 

Not even 24h later, the action repeated itself. He had been sat next to his dad, as Phil raised an concerend eyebrow and reached for the papertowels next to him. "Put your head down" his soft voice had told him, as the blood poured out.   
The blood felt like a silent confession.  
In his twisted mind, it felt like a confirmation.   
He wasnt doing well.   
Finally, he was not doing well. 

"Will!" his little brother shouted outside his room, as he replied with a equally sassy "Tommy!" in a loud voice. Tommy entered the room as loud as always. "Did your nosebleed stop?" Wilbur nodded. 

When Tommy left, the realisation hit him.  
What he felt..was satisfaction. The serotonin his body produced made him feel like he was on cloud nine, the worry in Phil's look, the way even Tommy asked for his well being, it felt amazing.   
He felt worthy, as the world applauded, the monster gripping onto his sides and whispering "congratulations wilbur". "Congratulations, they care only when your sick." The monster rammed its claws directly into Wilburs head. The world spun, and his head burned. Despite his best judgement, he couldnt scream. He curled himself into a small ball, closing his eyes tight as he fought with the monster, until unconsciousness greeted him with a warm nothingness.


End file.
